i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
