No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
