dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
