So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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