I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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