She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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