I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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