Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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