Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
