I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
