Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
