K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
