there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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