I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
