Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
