I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
