When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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