The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
