you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Boobs are out for the taking
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
