eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Found the puke drawer
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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