So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
