we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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