my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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