Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
