My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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