Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
