You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Damn victory sex feels great
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
