she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If I die, sorry about rent.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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