Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
