Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
