Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
