Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
