She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize