I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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