Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I met the friendliest cop last night
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
