Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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