you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
