I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
