Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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