i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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