I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize