We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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