I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize