how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
