Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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