I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize