you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
