why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
