If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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