In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
