at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
