you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
