I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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