Christians are straight up FREAKS
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
