Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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