Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
