so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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