I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
