At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
