I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
