did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
