Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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